How To Raise Your Regressor

"Everything was by Azell's design," I declared with the confidence of a conspiracy theorist.

"By Azell's… design?" And like a child learning to speak from her parent, Lecia stupidly repeated my words.

Huh, now that I think about it, when Azell first brought Lecia to our Guild after forcibly taking her from her father (or as the general public likes to call it, kidnapping her), he left her in my care, wanting me to be Lecia's mother figure.

I have absolutely no idea why he thought that was a good idea, but that's beside the point.

The point is that my salary had been doubled to compensate me for my taking care of a 13-year-old traumatised wanker.

Yet here I was, dumping Lecia onto Azell through an epic prank.

Nice one, me.

However, in hindsight, Azell was the one who freed Lecia from the clutches of her father and the Organisation; she is his responsibility.

Or that's how I'll gaslight him, at the very least.

"Exactly. Everything that happened was a master plan devised by Azell."

"B-but… why would he…?"

"Well, you tell me," I gave her a slightly provocative smile.

I could have said that Azell did it to save her, but leaving it to her own imagination would be more amusing.

"But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's put everything I just told you aside because it is nothing more than useless context that has no relation to my original question, i.e., why me?"

"W-what?" Lecia appeared confused.

What is she, Tristan 2.0?

"The secrets I just revealed to you are just the reasons behind my actions. One could even see it as me defending what I did, and that's not what we are here for. So, for a moment, let's forget about those reasons and return back to all the horrible acts I committed against you. Namely, my prank."

"…" Lecia scowled, perhaps wondering where I was going with this.

"When we look at it from the point of view of the 'Lecia' that had just been kidnapped by Tristan, my actions and words were the height of betrayal and made you fall into deep despair. So, calling my actions a harmless little prank would be a bit of a stretch, of course, but… they can be called harmless."

"Harmless?" Lecia's eyebrows rose and her glare got even sharper.

Seriously, if looks could kill, I would have been chopped into a million pieces a long time ago.

A shame they don't.

Hmm, maybe develop a skill with similar effects and give it to Lecia.

"Yup. Look back at the situation again. Consider it from every angle. Then tell me, did my actions cause you any actual harm?"

Aside from mentally scarring her for life, of course.

Not even that, actually (surprising, I know). I entered the scene as Azell before she could fully feel the despair and fall.

Lecia might remember today's events for the rest of her life, but they will in no way affect her in any negative way.

"…"

Hmm, was it just me, or did Lecia avert her gaze for a brief moment?

Probably just me. I mean, Lecia and admitting her mistakes? Pfft!

"I'll take your silence as a 'no'. My actions today did not harm you in any way. And for the entire time we've known each other, I did absolutely nothing that could hurt you in any way. And before meeting you, we were obviously complete strangers who weren't even aware of each other's existence, so I could not have affected you in any way. So let me ask you, once again, why me?"

"…What are you trying to get at?" Lecia's voice trembled in what seemed to be anger.

"I'm asking a simple question, Lecia. None of my actions so far have affected you or your life, so why is it MY fault that your life was ruined? Why is it that not being able to understand your pain makes me responsible for the horrors that you've gone through? Why does it make me less worthy of happiness than you? And why only me? Why not others?"

"You…"

"Please answer me, Lady Lecia. Please grace me with your divine wisdom and open my fourth eye as well so that I can fully ascend above this mortal plane."

"How far do you plan to ridicule me?!" Lecia screamed.

How rude. To think that I, the most epic prankster the world has ever seen, will have a limit on how far I'll mock someone.

Kids these days. Had I been alone, I would have spit in her face.

Huh, now that I think about it, this is the second time the presence of Azell and Neia have stopped me from doing something to Lecia. Perhaps that's why she brought them here.

She was too afraid of being absolutely blasted in an argument by me, so she brought them for, what, moral support?

Anyway, her actions will be her downfall.

"Because I cannot help it, Lecia!" I exclaimed. "You just make it so damn easy for me. If it was someone other than you, I honestly would have thought that everything that has happened so far was just an extremely elaborate prank to get some cheap laughs or two. But it's you."

"What?" She raised her eyebrow.

"Like, hey, I had a sad childhood and you had a happy one so even though that is something completely out of our hands, it's all your fault and you should be ashamed of it and you do not deserve that happiness and you should die. Yee-haw. What's next, are you going to blame this table lamp for having a more fulfilling life than you? Or are you going to criticise the entire world for being happier than you?"

"You fucking-"

"I swear to fucking God Lecia, your statements today have genuinely been one of the dumbest fucking things I have ever heard in my entire life. The bar to not be so dumb was literally in the lowest layer of hell and you dug a fucking hole to avoid it. It's so amazing that I'm not even mad, just impressed."

"Listen to me-"

"And what right do you have to blame me? I mean, what did YOU do in that situation?"

"W-what could I do?!"

This na?ve little girl.

"Well, for starters, you could have used the pendant I gave you. All you had to do was tap it thrice and you would have returned to the Guildhouse, but you didn't. It wasn't like they had sliced your arms off or bound them with ropes. You just needed to raise your hand to your pendant and tap it three times. A fucking toddler could have accomplished it within 2 seconds, yet you could not. Aside from sending out a distress signal, you did absolutely nothing to save yourself."

"That was because-"

"Ah, no, wait, that's wrong. You did do something to prevent them from taking you away," I smiled as I hit my palm with my fist. "You begged me."

"!!" Lecia's eyes widened to their very extreme.

"My apologies, I had forgotten about it because it was just, you know…" I trembled in a way that made it seem like I was disgusted. "You tried to save yourself by begging me. You went as far as to offer yourself as a sex slave in return for rescuing you."

"What?" Azell exclaimed with a cold voice.

"Oh?" While Neia's eyes narrowed dangerously.

As for Lecia, her head drooped and her body trembled. Was she enraged, or disgusted? Or maybe embarrassed?

"It's just that I'm not into your body type so your gambit failed; sugar mommy like characters hit my sweet spot, by the way. Ah, but if it was some old, fat, greasy man then he might have taken you up on your offer."

"Samur, that's enough-"

"Oh, hey," I cut Azell off. "Maybe that's what we should do. I'll give my position to someone who's into little girls so that the next time you are in danger, you can just beg him to take you in as a sex slave in return for saving you."

"Samur! That's enough!" Azell shouted as if he would forcibly shut me up if I didn't.

"Shut the fuck up, Azell," I responded with my own cold as fuck voice (my mama raised no quitter). "You, of all people, have absolutely no right to tell me what's enough and what isn't."

Final stage of epic prank: begin.