How To Raise Your Regressor

"It works every time. Trust me, I'd know."

The moment I said that, Azell's eyes widened and got out of focus; he seemed to be having a PTSD episode.

Ah, right, I once sacrificed some of my life force to save Noelle's, the stage 7 clinger, life.

Maybe I really am suffering from short term memory loss.

[Or are you automatically deleting my memories to free up space?]

⟦As you did not ask for it, that function has not been activated,⟧ the Memory System replied in a matter-of-fact tone.

[I wouldn't be surprised if you switched it on by yourself just to prank me.]

⟦Thankfully, I'm not into the perverse hobby of mentally destroying others by doing some truly awful things to them in the name of an epic prank.]

[Woah, calm down.]

Damn, the Memory System sure is sassy today. Is it suffering from constipation or what?

Lecia blinked as she raised her eyebrows, "Well, what if even that is not enough?"

"Then I'll ki- I'll patiently wait for the New Dawn Guild to come and save me like any normal person would."

I almost made another suicide joke. Gotta remember that this is not the internet but real life, where jokes about killing yourself are usually frowned upon.

Imagine your co-worker asked you on a Friday evening, 'Hey mate, you ready for this week to be over?', and you jokingly replied, 'I'm ready for this life to be over, haha', and the next thing you know, that co-worker has reported you to HR for being a danger to your own life.

That would be a yikes from me, and also something that I don't want to go through again.

On a side note, the HR head asked me to get evaluated by a psychologist. Being the corporate slave I was, I complied and went to a therapist the next day.

We ended up hitting it off and became good friends. She also told me that I was beyond any help, but that's beside the point.

"Ha!" Lecia exclaimed. "See? Even you would end up depending on the Guild to save you! You no longer have the right to scold me!"

Wut.

"I'm honestly impressed, Lecia," I did a slow clap. "You say shit like this, then unironically wonder why I am mean to you and call you a dumbass. Not everyone can achieve such a feat. You should be proud of yourself."

"T-that was just a joke!"

"Oh. Ha. Ha. You. Got. Me. Good."

"…"

Get fucked, big gurl. Well, small gurl, to be more precise.

Also, I'm using that phrase metaphorically; I do not want her to literally be fucked because, you know, she is still a minor.

Well, I mean she can be fucked if she wants to because who am I to control her sex life, but only after she reaches the legal age.

…

I'm making this weird. Let's just move on like I moved on after pranking Lecia onto loving her potential older brother I mean what, I did nothing of that sort I'm just a good lad.

Wow.

Looks like I'm more tired than I thought. Time to kick these fuckers out, take a 20 minutes power nap and end up sleeping like the guy who overdosed on heroin.

"Anyway, like I was saying, the training part can be handled by Azell. As for therapy, can I leave it to you, Neia?"

It's about time this Dragon did something actually useful.

Also, I hope that working with Lecia will help her curb her desire to beat the shit out of crippled children.

Or maybe she'll end up whooping Lecia's ass, which would be amusing in its own way.

Either way is fine by me.

"Why does it look like you're thinking something rude?" The Domestic Dragon's eyes narrowed.

"Me and thinking something rude? Pfft. It's just your imagination."

I'm the purest, kindest soul out there; there's no way in hell I could be rude to anyone.

In fact, discourtesy and I are age old nemesis.

"Also, if it's therapy we are talking about, shouldn't we leave it to a professional?" Neia smiled as she looked at me. "If I remember correctly, your therapy sessions are currently 99% off, right?"

Well, well, well, to think my own words would come back to bite me in the ass.

"Samur and therapy?" Lecia muttered under her breath, then shivered.

"As unfortunate as it is, my therapy sessions are available only for people 18 and above."

I mean, who the fuck would want to treat a stupid child or an angsty teen?

Having to sit down and listen to a 7-year-old go on and on about how depressed he is because his father IP banned hentai websites on his tablet sounds like the stuff of nightmares.

"Why the discrimination?" Neia asked.

"I don't feel I'm qualified to take care of children and teenagers. I'm still too young."

"But adults are fine?" She raised her eyebrows.

"I can treat adults because they are usually mature. It's easier to guide them."

"But don't you think that children would be easier to… manipulate?"

Wut.

"What do you mean 'manipulate'? You think we therapists manipulate our patients? Jesus fucking Christ, I wish I had died before hearing something like this. Look, we guide our patients, okay? We help them resolve their problems."

Let's have some fun.

"Uh, I-"

"For example, if someone is suffering because he lost a loved one, we help them in coming to terms with their situation, and guide them on how they can manage their grief. There is absolutely no manipulation involved. I mean, how would I even manipulate such a patient? By making him believe that the person he loved was a piece of shit who deserved to die so they should be happy instead? What the actual fuck, Neia."

Hot damn, I'm disgusted beyond words.

"I didn't mean it that way."

"Just shut the fuck up. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go stand in that corner and think about what you just said."

"Hey, at least listen to me!" Neia seemed to panic. "I actually wanted to say 'guide', okay, but for some moments I forgot that word and ended up using 'manipulate'. It's not what you think it is."

"Right."

Does she think she can fool me, the professional liar?

Ha! You are trillions and trillions of years too early, Neia.

"Please believe me!"

"And why would I believe you? I'm just a manipulative bastard, am I not? I cannot trust anyone. I only know how to manipulate people."

"Just stop, okay? I was wrong-"

"Look, Neia, I'm not interested in your pathetic apology. Just get the fuck out of this room."

"But-"

"Out."

"Hey-"

"Wasn't I a manipulative bastard? I doubt you want to stay anywhere near someone who manipulates people, so I suggest you leave."

Alright, I guess this is enough. Any more and she'll probably whoop my ass.

"…But you are a manipulative bastard…" Neia quietly muttered under her breath.

Not quietly enough, however, because I heard it.

"Hmm? Did you say something?"

Let's play innocent.

"I said, but you are a manipulative bastard!"

Wut?

"Wut?"

"Even with Lecia, you!"

Oh, shit.