Imperfect Desires

221 In My Hear

Time doesn't stop for anyone even though all of us at one point in our lives wished that it did. For instance, you're feeling so happy, blissful and content in that one moment that you didn't want it to pass. Xiu certainly had those moments now. And oddly, in each of those moments, the other half was Darren.

Perhaps, his presence alone was enough to make Xiu wish for the time to stop. Because in every moment that she spent with him, she wanted that moment to last forever. Just like right now when she wanted to stay in his arms forever. It was indeed true that Xiu always forgot whatever was going around her when his arms were around her. And why would she care about the world when her world was holding her, keeping her safe in his arms?

On the other hand, even though Darren was willing to accept her truth slowly, he still had a strong desire to know why Chen Xiu chose to commit suicide? As much as he had known her, she would have never done it over something like those scandals that media weaved her in. Then what exactly pushed her to the point of death?

"Sweets, can I ask you something?"

Xiu who had been playing with his hand stopped her movement and took a deep sigh before saying, "If the question has anything to do with Chen Xiu's death, then no. I'd very much not like to talk about it."

Even though she talked about herself in the third person point of view as if Chen Xiu wasn't her previous incarnation, Darren didn't find it odd at all. Because Chen Xiu had a bad habit of talking about herself as if she wasn't just talking about herself. He had gotten used it.

"You don't want to tell me?" questioned Darren looking at her.

Xiu held his face in her hands and said, "It's not that I don't want to tell you. I don't want to remember it myself. Not right now. Honestly speaking, I hate to even recall that whole past. Yes, I can't deny it's mine but what I can do is stay away from it." She kissed his forehead and went on, "I told you before, I pitied Chen Xiu the most. And when we come to pity our own self, that's when life becomes a living nightmare."

She hugged him tightly as she added, "I have lived a life doing what everyone asked of me. And that life in itself was a slow and painful death to me. I really don't wanna go back to it. Besides, when I woke up as Bai Xiu, I promised myself to never turn back. So, I really am not ready to talk about it."

"Do you really hate your life as Chen Xiu that much?" Darren didn't know why but he felt hurt knowing how she avoided her past life.

"I don't hate it. Not anymore. Because being Bai Xiu taught me one thing, I could never be me if I hadn't experienced everything as Chen Xiu. But that's also a reality that the chapter of Chen Xiu is closed now. And I've moved on from it. I'm not denying that I didn't write those chapters of my life as Chen Xiu but I'd most certainly don't want to read those chapters out loud."

Darren's arms tightened around her as he smiled gently since even if she didn't want to read those chapters out loud, unconsciously she still talked exactly like she used to do.

"Wasn't it tough? Being Bai Xiu? A whole new person. A whole new life. With completely unknown people."

Xiu thought about it long and hard before saying, "It got easier after I accepted this weird thing that happened. It took me a while to adjust in this new life but I think I did a pretty good job."

Seeing her frisky look, Darren felt relaxed that she didn't have to go through any hardship again. "How did you choose what to do next?"

"I didn't," said Xiu delightfully. "I mean you should know how bad I was at making decisions for myself. It couldn't possibly change overnight just because I got a new life. People don't change their habits just like that. For instance, it does take a moment to fall in love but it definitely doesn't take just a moment to fall out of love."

"Then how did you manage to change?" he asked curiously since the change in her was striking.

"I let the things happen naturally and eventually everything fell into place on its own. Yes, there is only one effort that I made." Darren looked at her with raised brows as she continued, "I made the effort to fall back in love."

"With whom?" asked Darren strangely.

"With myself," replied Xiu. "And when I learned to love myself again, I eventually learned to love this life and this world all over again. Perhaps, that was how I managed to change myself."

Darren smiled at her lovingly and pridefully. It suddenly felt like he had seen her evolution from that broken angel to a beautiful and strong woman.

"Sweets, you won't leave me again, right?" His sudden question got Xiu confused as she looked at his face. "I had to say goodbye to you once. Even when the story was not finished, I held your hand and said goodbye. I don't think I can do it all over again."

Xiu extended her hand towards him and Darren took it in his as she said, "If you're willing to hold this hand, why would I say goodbye? If I wanted to say goodbye, I wouldn't have talked about the truth of my life that'd sound like crazy talk to most people."

"I'm really scared to lose you," said Darren so straightforwardly that it left Xiu feeling baffled and equally flustered. What scared her the most now was the intensity of his love for her. "You ended your life like it was a film. As if it was that easy. I really can't go through that pain all over again."

"Babe, you had to say goodbye to your Ah-Xiu because she was tired of the script that people wrote for her. Her life was really like a film based on a script that someone else made for her. But I promise, your Sweets won't leave you. Because your Sweets has gone crazy for you." She planted a kiss at the corner of his lips and went on, "Even though my goal as Bai Xiu was to look at the mirror and fall in love with my own smile. I failed. Because I ended up falling for your smile instead to the point that I want to hide you from the world."

"Where would you hide me?" asked Darren in all seriousness.

"In my heart," answered Xiu feeling proud of herself for some reason.

Darren smiled at her saying, "Am I not in there already?" Xiu was stumped for words at his play of words with her. He intentionally was making her flustered again.

Xiu looked into his eyes as she wanted to retort but stopped herself. Only now she paid attention to the look in his eyes. It seemed as if he had found his lost treasure all over again and he couldn't stop looking at it. As if he was scared his precious treasure would be lost again even if he blinked once. Xiu's heart clenched in her chest as she realized what she had put him through. She never thought her absence as Chen Xiu could hurt someone. But he wasn't just hurt, she had broken him.

"Regan, I'm sorry. I really am sorry," said Xiu all of a sudden taking Darren by surprise.

"Sweets, what are you apologizing for?"

"For leaving you with those bitter memories. For leaving you alone. And most of all, for not realizing that you had been loving me all that time."

Darren's smile froze for a split second before he regained his bright smile saying, "Sweets, I kept those memories because it was the only thing I had. I remembered you because I wanted to. My heart wasn't ready to let go. Life was awfully dreadful without you in it but with those memories of yours, I was able to stand back up and move on. Not even for a second, I'd say that any of those memories are bitter. Any moment with you in it would eventually be sweet."

"You're just trying to make me feel better by saying that. This house screams the pain you felt because of me," said Xiu in a sad voice. Why else would he hold on to this house that somehow screamed the existence and importance of Chen Xiu in his life and in his heart?

"Then how about you make it up to me now?" suggested Darren slyly.

"How?"

"By being only mine for the rest of our life," answered Darren without any hesitation.

Xiu stared at his face for a moment longer before saying, "That's easy then. Because I'm already yours."Please go to